‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
John Legend, All of Me
My 7 year old is becoming self-aware. It had been coming about gradually through most of 1st grade, but in the last few weeks her awareness has really manifested itself. She studies my outfits and tells me when I look “cute.” She also looks at pictures of herself and critiques that ones where she is making an awkward face instead of smiling. Part of me loves this, because I like hearing her thoughts on my clothing and am thrilled that I can finally stop saying, “Smile nice for the picture!” But on the other side, part of me finds it so sad, because it means that some of the innocence of childhood is slipping away and that I have a long road in front of me of helping her learn how to value herself for who she is, and not for how she looks. It is a slippery path. I have an advanced degree and am self-employed in a career I love. But I also love make up and fashion. How much of this is ok to pass along? How much more should I focus on studying, movement, and finding something you feel passionate about to stimulate your mind?
Today at breakfast she began telling us about some of the kids in her class who were ‘bigger’ and wanted to know why. How do I explain to a child that her fellow classmate is heavy because his/her parents feed them food that they perceive as “healthy” when in reality it is not? Or they are heavy because every day they come to school with their lunchbox filled with sugar in the form of crackers, cookies, jelly, and of course, dessert? Is it my place to explain other parents’ choices? Or to place a judgement on their size? Does that make me a bully or a educated parent who wants her kid to make the right choices? I chose to say that not all families know about real food and the importance of vegetables, rainbowing your plate, and physical activity. I also stressed that above all, she should never make fun of another child for their weight. I know they already have a lifetime of fat shaming to look forward to, and I would hope my children will be an advocate for their friends, rather then an instigator.
Other issues I find even trickier. I love work out videos so when doing one the other day, my daughter asked me why the girls wore sports bras and the men shirts. Now, being guilty of taking selfies as well, I felt I had to walk a thin line on this one. Do I tell her that sex sells? That we live in a society of double standards where she will most likely be judged by her looks before she even opens her mouth, while her brother will be judged more by his brain then his brawn? Or do I say the women worked really hard on their fitness and want to show off their bodies? Each possible answer I came up with sounded worse then the first. I settled on a bit of both. In a clumsy attempt to make it ok that we live in a world where she will have to jump through hoops to become a astrophysicist but not an executive assistant, I told her that society judges women differently then men, that more value is put on their bodies then their minds and that it is why it is imperative to study hard, and use your brain to impress the world, but also that being proud of your healthy and strong body is a good thing.
And then I went to put on make up and pretty up for the day. It’s hard to teach your daughter how to use her self awareness for good when you yourself are both a perpetrator of and victim to the system.
I wish I had better answers to all the questions I proposed here. Each day my children get a little older, and I worry a bit more about their self-awareness and how it will essentially be the GPS for the journey of their lives. I want them to retain the sweet as long as possible but I know the sour is just around the corner. I suppose I must continue to set an example. To show that it is ok to want to smile nice for the camera but also to understand that in order to be strong, healthy, intelligent you need to work hard and play hard. But sometimes it is just so difficult. Everywhere I look the media is telling my kids, and especially my daughter that she needs to be thin, sexy, perfect. She is just starting to see those messages, but I want to say to her, “those messages are stupid, you are perfect!” I hope she understands. Because even though I am a victim to the same system, I take comfort in knowing that through her growing self awareness that I am perfect as well. She doesn’t see my lines, my saggy skin, my lack of a thigh gap (which, side note, is the stupidest thing I have heard of in a long time). She sees her Mommy, and her Mommy is beautiful. How very wonderful and how astute she is to see my “imperfections” as just parts of who I am. In doing so, I realize she is teaching me the very same wisdom I am hoping to impart onto her.
