I first learned about the topic of impartiality or equanimity from a book called The Words of My Perfect Teacher. In it Patrul Rinpoche describes impartiality as “giving up our hatred for enemies and infatuation with friends, and having an even-minded attitude toward all beings, free of attachment to those close to us and aversion to those who are distant.” I started writing this post a couple of nights ago, taking hours to go over each and every detail about someone that I had placed on a pedestal for years. After I was done, it was clear that the lengthy post was little more than me venting about how I had let this person’s dominating energy affect me. I was not displaying the art of impartiality, which was a lesson all in itself—BEING IMPARTIAL IS HARD! It will always be a practice, just like yoga.
So I’m going to broaden the topic of impartiality and discuss how we compare ourselves to others. Let’s jump right in.
ALL OF YOU will know what I’m talking about when I say this and if you deny it, I call “bullshit”. When we see someone who we think is more attractive than us we have at one point, or perhaps still do, feel a sense of inferiority. We analyze, obsess, and in some cases allow our self-worth to become diminished, we somehow see them as “better”. Key phrase here, “we allow”.
When we are around someone who exudes confidence it’s common to compromise ourselves, speaking or acting in a way we think would be pleasing to that person (takes me back to my high school days with the popular kids!).
If we see someone who acts in a way that we may see as horrible or disgusting we look down at that person. Maybe we pity them or call them bad names…
Whatever the case none of these words, deeds, or thoughts are beneficial for cultivating love, compassion, and understanding in our world. The majority of people will not have the option of having this kind of conversation in their lives, and they will go until the end of their days comparing and judging. Stop and think a moment, do you realize how much energy it takes to compare yourself to other people? Consciously or not. It takes a lot of fucking energy thinking, “Oh if I could just be like that person” or “So and so is such a bitch.” or “She’s too thin, fat, young, old, ugly, pretty…”. It perpetuates the cycle of negative energy, kind of like criminals whose kids fall into the same cycle of poverty and crime.
Fortunately, I was led to the path of mindfulness and meditation, and it’s INSANE how quickly you begin to observe yourself engaging in the absurdities of the mind. It’s helped me build confidence and has allowed me to observe the above conversations when they come up, not judge myself for them (this is key or we dwell on feeling guilty), and move on so I can pay better attention to my present world, like that checked out guy driving toward me who’s looking down and texting, the blooming bougainvillea coming up on my right, Bassnectar’s most recent remix… Basically not dwelling on the comparison game means I can pay more attention to life.
Next time you see your self-worth go out the window because of someone you consider to be better looking, more successful, try appreciating the person and her good fortune. “Good for her!” “Glad he got the promotion!” Maybe compliment them. It’s feels really good to break bad habits. Maybe they’ve got bigger triceps than you but YOU play the ukulele, and that’s rad. And anyway, it’s not a contest. Both are good. Both the ukulele and toned triceps have value or no value, depending on your perspective. Being around really confident people used to be hard for me. The person I mentioned before who I had placed on a pedestal is extremely confident. AND beautiful. I would often find myself saying whatever I thought he wanted to hear so that he would approve of me. I realize now that it stunted my growth. This person eventually began to feel dominating to me, because I had allowed that. I had no clue about equanimity or impartiality. I wish I would have had the “good for him” conversation in my head and acted more authentically. Oh well, better late than never, right?
Finally, time to address people in our everyday lives that we look down on, considering them as less deserving of attention, love or life. Well, please try and see that you will never know their story. We aren’t capable of knowing what drives people to act they way they do. We can’t say, “he’s a selfish asshole,” and just assume that he chose to be that way because he sucks. People often speak and act in an awful manner as a result of having something negative occur to them. They are perpetuating the cycle of negative energy. I hope that through this conversation I’m having with you, you and I can see that WE can stop the cycle. Practice compassion, “it’s unfortunate that she feels she needs to act that way”. She the one stuck feeling like that’s her only option, not you. You can practice being impartial by staying present and knowing the ball is in your court. Do you want to be a reactor? Or an observer? Being the observer of your crazy thoughts is the path to happiness and freedom. You are behind the wheel. Impartiality is one of the best ways that we can practice compassion, for others and ourselves. He/she who challenges your ability to remain impartial is struggling with fear, insecurity and criticism, just like you. The struggle is real!
“To cultivate equanimity, we practice catching ourselves feeling attraction and aversion, before it hardens into grasping or negativity.” Pema Chodron