Riddled With Guilt…
Catchy title, huh? I got candid with my yoga class last night about how guilt was a running theme in my life thus far. Up until a year or two ago, guilt was a feeling that I experienced often, about any and everything. Not just about the big screw-ups in my life but also the small things, not smiling back at someone, having a negative thought about someone, not doing one more savasana adjustment on someone. If someone honked at me for accidentally cutting them off in traffic, you better believe I’d be reeling about it for hours. HOURS. That honk would echo in my head, and I’d imagine what awful words he must have called me and how much I had inconvenienced him. What a twisted way to live!
I suspect people who consider themselves an “empath” or “sensitive” might understand where I’m coming from. Yes, I am sensitive. I, like many people, grew up being told that I was too sensitive. For the majority of my life I believed that I was too something, too too much for this world. I put myself in some other category, separate from the majority, a category where no one understood my heightened emotional state– always feeling and sensing everyone and everything and internalizing it all. If someone was in an irritated or angry mood I would somehow think that it was my fault, and I’d feel that my presence must be the reason for or had at least contributed to her suffering I was too much for a world that seemed shut down; I wanted more. I wanted more eye contact, more physical contact. I wanted to hear about what people were feeling, I wanted to tell them what was going on with me. I wanted people to pay attention to how their words and actions were affecting me, just as I was did for them. I wanted confirmation that what I sensing about people was true.
I looked at being sensitive as a curse for most of my life. I became accustomed to feeling depressed. I’d imagined many, many times what it would be like to leave the world that I was “too much” for. It was like having the wi-fi option on your phone always ON. It’s always searching for a connection and it drains your phone faster if you don’t turn it off. I couldn’t turn it off. I was tired.
A couple of years ago I had a conversation with myself and decided to forgive myself for everything I had ever done that caused me guilt. It happened when I was teaching a yoga class about the heart chakra. The words just came right out of my mouth, “Can you practice forgiveness for yourself? Can you forgive yourself for everything that you’ve ever felt guilty for and start over? Can you be that compassionate with yourself?” As I asked this of my class, I asked it to myself. Immediately I felt a sense of freedom. Years of emotional weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I finally decided that I was worth it. I was worth forgiving. It was up to me to release myself from this prison of guilt I’d put myself in.
Forgiving myself is a constant practice, I find myself doing it a dozen times a day. Being sensitive is no longer my curse, it’s my gift. It’s not something that has dulled over time. In fact, with forgiveness, it’s only gotten stronger. It’s so strong that every day, every interaction with someone feels like magic. I find myself very consciously and with ease observing people’s body language, timber of voices… I feel I’m able to interact and respond in a way that expresses an invitation to others encouraging them to break down emotional walls, to trust, to be no one other than who they are. I wouldn’t have been able to discover this gift if I hadn’t forgiven myself. Accepting my sensitive nature means I’ve had the rude awakening that throughout my life I’ve over-exaggerated the impact I have in people’s lives. Most people are so self-obsessed, like me, that they’re too busy thinking about what a big impact they’re having on you to wonder what kind of experience you’re having. I’ve found this to be very freeing. I’m not at the center of others’ worlds. It’s also helped me forgive myself.
Last night as I spoke to my class about my struggles with guilt, the demon of the second sacral chakra, we explored release of resistance in the hips by just softening, opening up to ourselves. With some gentle back bending, we discussed exposing the vulnerable heart space, through which we find a boundless amount of love, appreciation, and of course, forgiveness. For the most part, I believe that when we make mistakes (and we will until the day that we die), we are doing the best that we can. So, I invite you to forgive yourself. For everything. All of the time.