This is the Happiness Q & A with Lan Cao, and Harlan Margaret Van Cao, authors of Family in Six Tones: A Refugee Mother, An American Daughter
You are a mother-daughter duo, Lan Cao (mom and law professor), and Harlan Margaret Van Cao (incoming freshman at UCLA). How did the two of you end up writing a memoir together?
Lan & Harlan: In 2014, the First Days Story Project approached us to do an interview about the Vietnam War and the refugee experience. The format was child interviewing mom. In 2018, Storycorps ran the portion of the interview about the Tet Offensive on NPR, in commemoration of the 50th anniversary of the 1968 Tet Offensive. The editors at Viking Penguin happened to hear the show and thought it would be a good idea for us to do a dual-voice memoir about war and migration and the refugee experience and how this history affects the mother-daughter relationship.
Why is it often so fraught between a mother and a daughter, even in the best of times?
Lan: It’s fraught because perhaps it’s too symbiotic and the strands connecting the two are too interconnected. Everything coming out of the relationship is just too tangled and unruly. Most relationships are essentially made up of a few threads, friendship, romance, mentorship, competitor, employment. But a mother-daughter relationship is packed. It has echoes of dictatorship, tyranny, love, control, freedom, sacrifice, friendship, companionship, mentorship, competition. And yet, for both, it can sometimes feel simultaneous “too much” and “not enough.”
Harlan: This is because they both will always suffer resentment, but also somehow love. It is like a sicker version of a marriage, but one that is not a choice. In both relationships, one person is dependent, and both of them hold grudges upon grudges. But it is a marriage they can’t get out of.
Harlan – What do you most admire about your mother?
She is herself, as cliche as that sounds. And it is so hard to admit since I have often changed myself for social situations. But she, not even in high school, has never gone with the crowd, even if it causes bullying or racial discrimination. I love her a lot for that.
Lan – What do you most admire about your daughter?
Although it drives me crazy, her tendency to be spontaneous and seemingly carefree is admirable. It speaks to her innate sense of optimism, which centers around a hope and faith that everything is fine.
Does either of you find it tricky to understand the other’s point of view?
Lan: No, it’s not hard for me. The issue is not that I don’t understand her point of view. When we’ve had conflicts, it’s not due to my inability to see her perspective. It’s more that I don’t think she takes a long-term view of things in life, and so I often have felt that her perspective is one that reacts to events in a short-term way. So to take a simple illustration. If she prefers to go play with friends most of the week before an assignment is due, I am able to understand why she would have that preference. But I believe that preference is based on instant gratification rather than the more important value of deferred gratification.
Harlan: My mother is narrow-minded in the sense that she’ll try to diagnose my problems all on her own simply by making tons of assumptions. I feel she goes out of her way to worry and she’ll sacrifice peace between us in order to make any point. Apart from these things, I like to think I’m pretty all-knowing when it comes to her even though we see things completely differently. For someone so complicated, it’s ironically hard for her to maneuver things that make me complicated.
What do you think about epigenetics and do you feel you have inherited the effects of trauma? (The idea is that trauma can leave a chemical mark on a person’s genes, which then is passed down to subsequent generations. … Instead, it alters the mechanism by which the gene is converted into functioning proteins, or expressed.)
Harlan: I honestly don’t know how much of what I feel is from inherited trauma. I do think that because we’ve always been so close, I’ve always felt everything that hurt her- both past and present. And she would cope with it in front of me, whether it was conscious or not. And now, I find myself coping in similar manners to hers, so it’s pretty likely everything for us has been a mix of genetics and my environment and how attached I am to her sometimes.
How does one best move through the pain from childhood trauma?
Lan: It’s best to not dwell on it with loved ones, but rather to have the guidance of a trusted therapist. Loved ones aren’t objective enough and might be entangled in some of the events at issue. And they aren’t trained healers.
Harlan: When someone grows up from a place of trauma, I think they should surround themselves with people and activities that aren’t representative of that trauma but that are still able to nurture the side of them that is traumatized. I think my mother finding my dad is an example of this.
What helps you heal?
Lan: Reading, music, and therapy.
Harlan: Music, animals, and friends.
Lan – What’s the most “American” thing about your daughter that you find most baffling?
Her regular pushback against rules she doesn’t like and coming up with arguments from all angles to justify her unwillingness to do what I told her to do.
Harlan—How would you describe your connection to your Vietnamese heritage?
I would say it’s forced me to think about something beyond myself. Growing up in this family threw me into an environment filled with people I do not understand but who are complex and shaken up and who all deal with their problems so differently, while still being inseparable. The Vietnamese culture is very much focused on respecting others and not being egotistical, so even when I don’t “feel Vietnamese,” I do.
Lan – How would you describe your relationship with America?
I’d say it’s complex. It’s now my home and my country and I love it. But I also know history. And especially having been born in a small, poor country, I know history and understand geopolitical strategies from the perspective of the small poor countries of the world. And big power politics dominate and dictate. That’s how it is. I think America is greatest when it is good and that’s the America I prefer.
In the book you’ve addressed your immigrant experience. What do you hope that Americans born in this country will take away from your book?
Lan: I hope Americans today, like most Americans in the past, appreciate and honor and celebrate the fact that Americans are either descendants of native Americans, slaves, or immigrants. Hence, immigration is distinctly an American phenomenon that is part of its identity from its inception; it’s in the DNA of America. Immigrants rejuvenate this country and can bring out the best of America.
Lan Cao and Harlan Margaret Van Cao are the authors of Family in Six Tones: A Refugee Mother, An American Daughter.
Lan Cao is the author of Monkey Bridge and The Lotus and the Storm, and most recently of the scholarly work Culture in Law and Development: Nurturing Positive Change. She is a professor of law at the Chapman University Fowler School of Law, and an internationally recognized expert specializing in international business and trade, international law, and development. She has taught at Brooklyn Law School, Duke University School of Law, University of Michigan Law School, and William & Mary Law School.
Harlan Margaret Van Cao graduated from high school in June 2020 and is now attending UCLA. She was born in Williamsburg, Virginia, and moved to Southern California when she was ten.